The city of Chicago is abuzz with unmitigated panic as select policy officials have recently come out in favor of a public ban on white women. Others, including white women who are actually policy official colleagues working out of the same building, reacted in horror. I spoke with one woman who was adamant about not being named and she wanted it printed that some of her politician coworkers were “f***ing lunatics.” This comes on the heels of the Valentine’s Day “attack” that left one unnamed boyfriend without half of his tongue after an attempt to squash an argument turned violent. The culprit? Elaine Cook, white woman.

Cook went so far as to disguise a makeup kiss as genuine affection, then, without any warning, unleashed a violent clamp down on this man’s tongue, severing it in half.

People on the street were quick to weigh in… Sally Braverman, a local teacher who was visibly shaken for her own safety said, “I’m of white decent and I’ve never hurt anyone.” “I live right down the street and Chicago has been my home now for 12 years. I have a son in the 11th grade. My husband works for a brokerage firm and we have a mortgage that we are in the middle of paying. What does this exactly mean for me?” I couldn’t immediately provide her with an answer. Gracie Stewart, 22 years of age and also white, was far more blunt… “I’ve tongue-slayed my boyfriend many times, never has it ended in a trip to the emergency room.” We had a quick laugh and in the spirit of full disclosure I did give her a high five. She was really cute and very friendly, but still white. Apparently she’s got to go? Hold on… Excuse me, I meant, apparently she’s got to go.

Responding to an inquiry from my website, policy official Billy Duncey quoted stats taken from the “more rational website,” WhiteWomenBite.org. “Over the last calendar year they’ve charted 9 different instances of violent acts against other human beings that are being perpetrated by these vicious white women,” said Duncey. “2 of which have happened right here in our home state of Illinois. What other alternative do we have?” I immediately replied that there are lots of alternatives, hundreds even, and that people should be treated as individuals instead of vaguely grouped and then blanketly labeled “monsters.” I also pointed out that 99+% of the white women residing in Chicago are upstanding citizens who do not have any record of violence. I’ve yet to get a response.

I’ll certainly keep you posted if I hear more…